Summer 2005
I was standing in the hallway of our North Carolina condo in the middle of the night the first time I confronted the unthinkable "what if" question.
I vividly remember the moment. It was August 1990; I was still on active duty and married less than a year. My husband was due to leave the next morning to report to Fort Benning the 82nd Airborne Division was deploying to Saudi Arabia, and he was going with them.
I stood in the hallway and wondered what would happen to me if he never returned.
This question has remained in the back of my mind ever since. I don't enjoy dwelling on sad thoughts. I think about it because I want to have at least confronted the question unemotionally, so I feel more prepared to handle it should the need arise. It is not always an easy question to answer, and I don't always have the same answer. It has depended on where we are stationed and what is going on with my family at the time.
Military spouses should think about this question because, as much as we never want to answer it for real, we might just need to. From watching friends and neighbors deal with the death of a loved one, I know that it is an unimaginably difficult time. The surviving spouse is confronted with a number of important decisions. Thinking through the "what if" questions in advance can help if you ever find yourself dealing with this devastating tragedy.
Here are 10 things to do and questions to consider:
- What local people would you want contacted immediately to be with you? Your chaplain or minister? Your best friend? A neighbor?
- Who would watch your kids? Are they on your school's emergency pickup list? What emotional help might the kids need?
- Where would the funeral take place?
- How would you deal with various family relationships? What family pressures should be considered? How would they affect your decisions?
- Would you need to move? When? Would you be able to live off base without depleting your resources? If you live in government quarters, you are authorized to stay for up to six months after the death of the servicemember.
- Would you work? What training would you need?
- If you maintain a family business, what would you need to do to keep it running while you make decisions for the future?
- What documents do you need from your spouse before he or she deploys? What do you need to keep with you? Make sure you can locate all important papers, such as your spouse's will, any insurance papers, leases or mortgage papers, marriage certificate, etc.
- What military death benefits would be available? What are your life insurance benefits?
- What would be your financial situation? Commit yourself to seek sound financial counsel, preferably from a certified financial planner. The Financial Planning Association offers pro-bono services to military families
Make note of these helpful resources:
Nothing we do can completely prepare us for the loss of a spouse. My next-door neighbor in California lost her husband two weeks after my family moved into the neighborhood. He died of an incurable, degenerative disease over a period of seven years. She told me that when the sad day arrived, even though her family had seven years to prepare for his death and make sure everything was in order, several questions arose that she and her husband had not anticipated. The emotional toll was enormous.
But thinking about the unthinkable - and preparing for it - can ease at least some of the burden.
Julia Pfaff has spent most of her life in and around the military. She recently completed a three-year period as Executive Director of the National Military Family Association, "The Voice for Military Families." She may be contacted at tpfaff@aol.com.