By Robert Capriccioso
Fall 2004
It's March 18, 2003. Alicia Trahan has just said her last sad goodbyes to her daughter, Sgt. Roberta Martinez, 27, who will serve as a communications support specialist with a U.S. Army police battalion stationed in the Iraq countryside.
The young grandma is sad, nervous and a bit overwhelmed. She is unsure how long Roberta will be gone or what her daughter's fate will be.
But she doesn't want to show those emotions to her two grandkids, seven-year-old Angel Martinez and his two-year-old sister Alexi.
Roberta's husband, Juan, 29, recently out of the military, has accepted a position with a restaurant in Washington state - nearly 2,000 miles away from the Ft. Polk, La., military base where Roberta was stationed stateside.
So the duty to raise Angel and Alexi has fallen on Alicia and her husband, Robert.
"It's like raising their mama all over again," says Alicia. "We've gone through removing the bottle and potty training..."
Since Roberta's departure, Alicia has helped the kids write letters and send e-mails and care packages. They can never contact their mother directly via telephone. They always have to wait until she's able to call them.
When Alexi is asked, 'Where's your mom,' she innocently responds, 'Iraq,' and then continues playing. But for Angel, the adjustment isn't so easy.
Sgt. Martinez explained to Angel before her deployment that she had to go away for a long time. She pulled out a world map and showed him Louisiana and then pointed to Iraq. She tried to explain to him that she had to "go take care of some bad guys."
"He's kind of held it in," says grandma Alicia. "When you hear things on the news that soldiers have been killed or there has been a bombing, it's really scary until we hear something from her that she's OK."
It also isn't easy for Sgt. Martinez, especially when she finds out that Angel is having such a hard time. It makes her hurt even more when she learns that Alicia hasn't been telling her how badly Angel misses her.
"She hadn't wanted to say anything to make me worry," Roberta says over the phone one evening in March 2004, almost a year since she left home. "I wish she would have told me, so I could talk to him... I can't hug him when he's feeling bad, but I try to let him know that I'm OK. I tell him I'll be home soon. That helps his spirits up, but it just kills me inside."
Serving With Kids
Sgt. Martinez began her service in January 1995, soon after graduating from high school. Throughout the late 1990s, her military experience was exciting: She met her husband, started a family and served her country both stateside and in Germany and Italy.
Angel was born in 1996 when both Roberta and Juan were stationed at Ft. Polk. Roberta was in a relatively stable unit, so she wasn't worried about being sent abroad after she had her baby. She enjoyed a six-week break after Angel was born.
Juan was deployed when Roberta was pregnant, but he was able to come home for the birth. They knew that childcare would become more of a challenge after Angel got older because Juan was in a rapid deployment unit and wouldn't be able to stay home to help care for him.
"My unit was very supportive any time I had childcare issues," remembers Sgt. Martinez. "Juan would be gone a couple of weeks sometimes, but my unit completely supported me. They gave me time to go visit Angel in childcare because he was so young."
Roberta and Juan were managing pretty well as a young military family, so it wasn't a huge surprise when Roberta became pregnant again. But for this pregnancy, the family was in Italy, where Roberta was stationed in a rapid deployment unit. Juan was out of the military by then and working with child youth services on behalf of American military families stationed in the country.
Alexi was born in Italy in June 2001. Alicia and Robert flew to Italy and stayed with their daughter and son-in-law for 30 days. Soon after Alexi's birth, Roberta was deployed away from her family for a short period.
"That was a lot harder for me," remembers Roberta. "I was the one who was leaving and the kids were staying with Juan. That's when things started to get a little bit crazy as far as me serving in the military."
Hard Choices
Less than two years after Alexi's birth, Sgt. Martinez knew that her unit would be called for service in Iraq.
In the months leading up to her March 2003 deployment, the family had some difficult decisions to make involving their children. They decided, for the sake of stability, that the kids should remain in Louisiana with their grandparents.
"When I first got [to Iraq], Juan was in the Reserves, so there was a possibility of him also getting activated," recalls Sgt. Martinez. "Angel had a hard time. He didn't understand why he had to be away from both of us."
Even while facing life-and-death situations every day, Roberta's kids remain at the top of her list of concerns.
"Children, when they're young, that's when they're most influenced and learn everything from their parents," she explains. "I'm always concerned... But for Angel, though, with the whole homework thing, I think, 'Is Mom staying on top of his studies? Is she teaching Alexi manners?' I know my mom is giving them what they need but, of course, I worry about it."
Coming Home
Fast forward to March 21, 2004. Almost a year to the day since she first left, Sgt. Martinez flew to the Seattle-Tacoma Airport and was greeted by Juan. She immediately began duty at Ft. Lewis, Wash.
Angel would have to wait until mid-May to finally hug his mom in person. He was still in school in Louisiana, and Sgt. Martinez thought it would be best to let him finish the school year where he already was comfortable, rather than re-enroll him in Washington for such a short period.
The period when Roberta returned until she actually went to pick up the kids turned out to be a blessing: It gave Roberta and Juan time to sort out some new issues.
"The reunion with my husband was wonderful at first, then soon things got rough," explains Sgt. Martinez. "We had, in some fashion, adapted to a new lifestyle apart. Now we are both learning to re-accept each other and deal with those changes."
Today, the kids live in Washington with both parents. "Angel and Alexi are both doing great," reports Roberta. "Alexi is a whole new person. She grew from an infant into a toddler and is making the changes like a pro. Angel has become more independent in certain ways. I am used to him depending on me for most things and now he is not my baby anymore. We are both still trying to get used to that."
Sgt. Martinez is serving in the HHD 504th Military Police Battalion, the most forward-deployed military police battalion in the Army. She would have to return to Iraq in less than a year if she remained in the unit, so she will transfer to California's Ft. Irwin in December. The move doesn't necessarily take away the possibility that she will have to return to Iraq, but she hopes it will minimize her chances.
"When I relocate to California, Juan and the kids will come with me," she says. "I enjoy being a mother more than anything... [But this] is something that I chose to do. I have to live with the consequences of being a mother in the military."
Supporting Military Families
Grandma Alicia didn't have much luck finding local support programs to help Angel while Mom was in Iraq, but various programs and community organizations are working to assist military families.
"The Department of Defense has invested heavily in quality of life programs for families and children of all branches of service," says Denise Rampolla, Family Readiness and Support Services Coordinator for the 153rd Airlift Wing, Wyoming Air National Guard. "But many who could benefit from these services don't know about them or are unsure whom to contact if a need arises. Family support centers located on every military installation are a perfect starting point."
The Military.com website provides access to information about family support centers through its military installation locator.
The National Guard has established military family assistance centers in many areas not located near a major military base. These centers help simplify the process of accessing services and support for families when a military member is called to active duty for an extended period.
The National Military Family Association serves families through education, information and advocacy, and may be contacted at (703) 931-6632 for further assistance.
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Robert Capriccioso is a freelance writer based in Washington, D.C. He is a regular contributor to ConnectforKids.org, which provides coverage of critical issues affecting children and families, and owns and operates the BigHeadRob.com website.
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