Summer 2004
I am a military brat. I have moved numerous times both as a child and an adult. I attended five different elementary schools. Some might say I am without roots. I can't easily answer the question, "Where are you from?" My husband has an easy answer: He was born and raised in Charleston, S.C.
Avocado pits take a long time to root and grow into a tree. As a child, an avocado pit on the windowsill meant "this is home" to me. My mom, loving plants but lacking the budget to replace all her houseplants right away each time we moved, would root avocado pits when we reached a new place where we expected to stay for at least a year. To this day, houseplants help me feel at home.
Another thing that meant home was the dining room table. Dinner was a big deal in my house. Everyone in the house was expected to sit down at the table and join in the conversation. My mom had a rule at dinner about no fighting or arguing. No matter where we lived, the rules were the same. The table and family dinners meant home for me; they made me feel secure. In fact, the first piece of fine furniture I bought as a young lieutenant was a beautiful cherry wood dining room table.
I share these experiences with you to illustrate a couple of points about raising mobile military children. Our lifestyle is both a blessing and a challenge for our children. They grow up seeing and experiencing the world. Their worldview tends to be broader, with more flexibility and confidence, than other children.
But the lifestyle also imposes unique challenges to parenting and growing up. Our children will say goodbye to more friends by the time they reach age 18 than many adults do in a lifetime. They are matured by the uncertainty of world events and how a decision made by the President of the United States might affect them personally.
As parents, it is important to help our children develop a sense of roots and security. How we transition them from duty station to duty station will go a long way to helping them feel safe, secure, confident and content.
You may be surprised at the things your children associate with home. It may be a certain picture or the placement of a picture, a certain color scheme, or a chair. Or it could be your houseplants. Whatever it is, our children will feel happier and secure knowing that it is there. Once you know this, make sure you carefully consider any changes to those "homemakers." If changes are necessary, prepare your children for them well ahead of time.
Don't make the same mistake I did with my son. He was attached to our old red Dodge Caravan. Without any preparation on our part, my husband and I traded it in. Three years later, he still wants that car back. At first, I was surprised; after all, it was just a car. But to him, it had been the only car he had ever known. It was a consistent object in his life that had taken him to three different homes in three different states. I have since spoken to other military moms whose children experienced the same car attachment.
Family traditions are very important, even to older children. They help our children develop a sense of the uniqueness of their family. Traditions don't need to be elaborate or drawn out. In fact, you may have traditions that you don't even realize. You might want to ask your children what they see as traditions or "your family's way of doing things."
One tradition to consider is adopting a special "farewell party" for your children each time you PCS. In the adult military community, we have Hails and Farewells, which help us. Often, we forget that our children need this too. In our family, we have a big "capture the flag" party with all of our boys' friends. Each child gets a flag for the others to sign and take home as a souvenir. A friend of mine had a scrapbook party for her daughter. Each girl got a scrapbook, took pictures together and wrote messages to each other.
Our military lifestyle is both exciting and challenging. By helping our children feel secure and communicating with them, we can ease the transitions and moves that we experience as families. The NMFA welcomes you to share your experiences and suggestions for developing roots for our children.
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Julia Pfaff is Executive Director of the National Military Family Association, 2500 N. Van Dorn St., #102, Alexandria, VA 22302. She may be contacted at pfaff@nmfa.org.