Resilient Children Are Made, Not Born
By Julia Pfaff
Fall 2004
When I was five years old, my dad deployed to Vietnam for 13 months. We lived at Ft. Hamilton, N.Y., and we were lucky because we were allowed to stay in quarters while my dad was gone. My mom taught school part time until the New York City teachers' strike, then I had to live with my grandmother outside of Philadelphia so I could start school.
What did I, as a young child, understand about Vietnam? Vietnam was a place at war. War meant death. Death meant you never saw that person again. My dad had gone to this place at war, so I thought I would never see him again. I remember daydreaming about going to Vietnam, standing between the warring groups and stopping the war. Surely they would stop if a little girl got in the way. Somehow, I thought that wars were like deadly football games with clearly defined sides. At the time, I never shared these thoughts with my mother. My dad eventually came home, the family moved to Japan, and the war was just a memory.
These memories rushed back during Desert Storm, as I watched several of my fellow soldiers give up their children to caretakers. I couldn't imagine having both my mother and father deployed in wartime. My mom was a steady presence in my life during my father's deployment. She reassured my brother and me that Dad was OK and stood as a very real connection to our father in his absence. She made sure we felt safe and secure. She was our rock.
Today, I have my own children and a husband in the Army. I have had to deal with deployments and long separations. During the summer of 2001, my husband deployed as part of the UN Observer Mission along Kuwait-Iraq border. My boys were five and seven. Then came 9-11, bringing the concept of war home to the United States and my children.
The year apart was one of my most difficult as a parent. Many people say, "Oh, military children are naturally resilient." That's nonsense. Are they born that way? No, military kids become resilient, and parents and others can help the process.
Here are nine things that I have learned that helped our children become more R-E-S-I-L-I-E-N-T:
Recognize your feelings and teach your children to recognize theirs. Help your child understand that what they are feeling is normal but to channel those emotions in positive directions rather than withdrawing or lashing out in anger.
Express your love and approval of your children. Encourage them to express themselves through creative means, such as art, writing or playing.
Self care. Don't ignore your own needs. The better you take care of yourself, the better you will be able to help your children.
Interact with family, friends and community. Don't be afraid to ask for help - in fact, seek it out. Look for other trusted adults who can help with your children and to whom your children naturally gravitate. Sometimes a child will share with another adult something he or she will not share with a parent.
Listen intently and watch your children. Provide support when they need it - and they will.
Information. Provide your children with accurate, unemotional information. Children know when something is wrong. Don't lie to your child and break his trust but, at the same time, gauge what your child is ready to understand. Be prepared for tough questions. My youngest child asked me after 9-11 - completely out of the blue - "Mommy, are you going to remarry if Daddy dies?"
Enlist your child's help with the home and plans. When my husband was in Kuwait, several things happened that impacted my older son for which he had no control. I believed he would be happier and would gain self-esteem if I allowed him to make some important decisions for himself, and I was right.
Noble cause. Teach your children that their military parent is serving our country, this service is honorable and this is an important job. Help the children understand that they, too, are serving our nation.
Talk to your children about how each of you feels. Act as a link between your child and the service member, opening up creative opportunities for the deployed parent to communicate with the child.
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Julia Pfaff has spent most of her life in and around the military. Currently, she is Executive Director of the National Military Family Association, "The Voice for Military Families." She may be contacted at pfaff@nmfa.org.
Related articles:
Children In Military Families: Tips For Parents And Teachers
Resilient Children Are Made, Not Born
Stranger Danger: Protecting Your Child
Helping Children Cope With A PCS
Kids, Schools and Military Relocation: Prepared Parents Set The Stage For School Success
Sgt. Mom: Family Assistance Centers, Military Family Support Centers Help Military Moms
Sharing, Understanding Financial Values Can Reduce Deployment Stress
