Live Happily Ever After
Communication Is Key To Living In Financial HarmonyBy Sam Goller and Deborah Shouse
Summer 2006
No matter how close you are as a couple, money is one issue that can pull at the fiber of your relationship. But it doesn't have to be that way.
By spending just a little time discussing each other's expectations when it comes to money, you can avoid much of the disharmony many couples experience. Talking about how you will use your money to support your shared values is an important aspect of how you can come together as partners for life.
Although it may not be your most romantic discussion, the rewards for sharing and understanding your financial values will help create an environment where your love can blossom.
This is especially important when the spouse is left to manage the finances while the servicemember is deployed. Continuing to work toward your common goals and supporting each other can help free your spouse from worry and ease the transition when returning home.
One of the first things you need to decide as a couple is that financial security is your responsibility - nobody else's. Once you make that decision, the way you think about and use money will change. You'll realize that only you are in control of your financial destiny and every spending action could result in unfortunate consequences.
With a values-based approach to money, you have the power to improve your financial position now and well into retirement. Combining your values and finances begins by following these three steps:
1. Determine what's important to you.
What do you want to accomplish and experience as a couple? Do you want to have children, buy a home, travel, continue your education or pay for your children's college? Talk about the things that are truly important to you and create a list. Look beyond material things -- cars, TVs, computers and the like - and focus on the things that will enrich your lives and your relationship.
2. Prioritize the things you think are important.
If you could only accomplish one thing, what would that be? Take the list you just created and rank the items according to your priorities - the most important at the top, the least important at the bottom.
3. Start living your life in such a way that you support your priorities.
This is probably the most challenging step because it may require that you make some sacrifices and compromises. But if both of you are on the same page and working toward the same goals, this step will provide the foundation on which you can build a lifetime of love and companionship.
The extent of your sacrifices and compromises will depend on how willing you are to discuss, unemotionally, the money issues that affect you. That's why, in order to keep your journey to financial harmony from hitting a big pothole, you must take time to talk with each other. Arguments and disagreements are a regular part of many loving relationships. However, with a little open communication and upfront planning, you don't need to argue about money.
"Money problems" are not always related to how much a couple does or does not have. These problems often are connected to something else entirely, such as what each of you learned from your families about the meaning of money. For some, money may mean happiness. Others may think of money and feel anger or hurt, perhaps due to a parent who was never at home and missed school events because of work and the need to earn a living.
It's important to acknowledge that each of you came into your relationship with unique beliefs and spending habits. During courtship, you may have been so enamored by what you loved about your partner that you didn't even think to find out if his or her spending habits and money beliefs were compatible with your own.
Disagreements about money won't just "work themselves out." You need to talk and listen to each other in order to fully understand what money means to each of you.
Because money is so emotionally charged, many people find it a difficult subject to approach. Communicating about money is one of the top challenges for even the most open and articulate couples.
Don't panic. This doesn't have to be a formal, "Honey, sit down, we need to talk" kind of discussion. And there is no need to complete the conversation in only one night. Just think of it as a way of getting to know even more about the one you love.
Talk about the rules or stories you heard about money when growing up and how they affect your attitudes today. This can be accomplished while eating at your favorite restaurant, walking in the park or lounging in front of a crackling fire. Simply relax, open your hearts, listen carefully and ask questions as you learn about each other through talking about your past, exploring your values and sharing your dreams for the future.
You may find that you have even more in common than you thought. It's also possible that you find you are irresistibly attracted to your polar opposite. But differences don't necessarily spell disaster. Opposites can work together - often with remarkable results.
If you found differences between your values and the way you use or want to use your money, try to find ways to resolve those differences through an approach that is fair to both of you. For example, rather than disagree on how your partner spends money, allow each of you to maintain a small allowance and spend it however you want, no questions asked - provided the spending does not have a negative impact on your shared goals.
One key to resolving disputes is to re-examine your underlying needs before trying to come up with a solution. What is at the center of your desire? How can you separate what you want emotionally from what you need financially? Are your financial decisions supporting your priorities as a couple?
For example, you may want to agree that any purchase exceeding a certain amount - perhaps $100 - must be discussed first. Let's say one of you wants to buy an expensive new coat, while the other wonders what's wrong with the coat you've been wearing for the past three years. Through this discussion, you may learn that the old coat still serves its purpose but the desire for a 'new' look is important to your spouse's need for personal expression and individuality. So the question changes from "Why do you need a coat?" to "Where can we find it for the best price and what alternatives might satisfy the same desire?"
Remember, the more time you and your partner spend openly discussing your expectations -- not just financial but also spiritual and emotional - the easier it will be to understand each other's needs. Understanding your partner's differences is one of the most important steps you can take to ensure that your fairy tale marriage will live happily ever after.
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Sam Goller and Deborah Shouse are co-authors of "Yes, You Can… Achieve Financial Harmony," a new personal finance book for newlyweds published by Stowers Innovations, Inc. For more information or to purchase a copy, call 800-234-3445 or go to www.stowers-innovations.com.
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Ten Finance Tips For Newlyweds
1. Come clean before tying the knot. Avoid a fight about money after the honeymoon by talking about your individual financial situations before the wedding bells ring.
2. Spend time talking about money memories. Most of us underestimate the impact our upbringing has on our current financial decisions. Sharing your past can relieve tension in the future.
3. Know when to talk and when to keep quiet. People who are tired, hungry or busy aren't in the frame of mind for engaging in meaningful money conversations. Talk when you're both rested and mentally available.
4. Figure out what counts. Prior to formulating a financial plan, talk about your priorities and what really matters to each of you when it comes to money.
5. Find your missing dollars. Before you can spend money in a way that gives you pleasure and helps you meet your goals, you need to understand your spending habits. Keep a spending journal to find out where your money really goes.
6. Eliminate credit card debt. The average American is saddled with more than $8,000 of credit card debt. Paying off credit card debt should be a top priority.
7. Create an emergency fund. What if a financial emergency strikes? Three steps to get you started on an emergency fund: Determine how much you need, figure out how to save consistently, and find a safe place to put your savings.
8. Find a system that works for you. Maybe it's sitting down together each month to pay bills as a team. Or maybe one of you is better at handling expenses than the other and prefers to do it alone.
9. Don't stop talking. Couples should continue money conversations on a regular basis. Many experts recommend sitting down with your spouse monthly to make sure you're still on track.
10. Personal growth. One of marriage's greatest rewards is spending time - not money - together. Expanding your horizons as a couple can offer greater returns than any purchase.
Related articles:
Kiss And Make Up... And Grow Your Cash
When Love Is A Battlefield: Military Divorce and Finances
Military Marriages Can - And Do - Work
Finding a Good Lawyer: Advice for Military Servicemembers and Families
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