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By SARAH SMILEY
What Every Military Wife Should Know About The New CO
Question: I am newly married and my husband’s squadron recently had a change of command. I really liked the old CO’s wife, so I looked for her at a squadron party the weekend after the ceremony. She and her husband weren’t there. My husband acted like I was crazy for expecting the “old” CO and his wife to be at the party. But shouldn’t they have been there?Answer: In a word, no. In another word, no. But I’m glad you asked this question.
Last week, my friend, whose husband happens to be the captain of our local Navy hospital, called and told me that her husband is up for new orders this summer and that they will be moving. She might as well have been my own mother calling to tell me that my parents are getting a divorce.
Even though my mom has never done that, my friend’s announcement sent twinges of sadness and fear right down to my pinkie toes, in the same way that I imagine it would if my parents were splitsville. I felt like Bill Murray in “What About Bob?” I wanted to say, “You mean you’re leaving? But what about us? What about the hospital?” I was suddenly stricken with the anxiety that comes with change.
Much is said about the constant transitions military families face when they are moved to new duty stations every few years. However, there is an untold amount of anxiety and upheaval even when a family is staying but the leadership in their command is changing.
Within any military group, the command essentially becomes the parent. They set the rules and the tone. And even though a dependent spouse doesn’t go to work and deal with the commanding officer directly, those “rules” and that “tone” trickles down to the family.
For example, if the CO is a bachelor and not interested in family life, a spouse will feel it when her husband goes for the second time in two weeks to a squadron social function that is designed to be held without spouses. In my mom’s day as a Navy wife, this amounted to my dad spending plenty of after-hours with the guys at the O’Club. In my day, it was one of my husband’s first COs many years ago who could never remember my name or the fact that Dustin was married at all.
It sounds to me as if your friend’s husband ran a command that is thankfully much more common, one that inspires positive feelings for all involved. It is natural that you miss the CO’s wife. But it would be very unnatural for her to be at the after-the-change-of-command party.
Here’s why. There are three basic scenarios when a squadron or unit changes command. The first scenario assumes that the outgoing CO was loved by all. His or her transition feels like a parent’s divorce. The group braces themselves to see if the new person in command will be a “step-parent” with horns or a halo. Secretly, the group can’t imagine anyone taking the place of the beloved parent. If reality lives up to this perception, then the old CO is forever elevated to god-like status as everyone remembers the way things “used to be.”
The second scenario assumes that the outgoing CO was not liked. Then, just as a child happily sheds the memory of a despised teacher for a new school year, the group doesn’t care what the new person will be like. They just want change.
The third and last scenario, however, is the most prickly of all. What if the outgoing CO was loved and the new “step-parent” ends up being equally as good? What if he or she has no horns? Then, as you are experiencing, the group might feel like they have betrayed the old CO by liking the new one. They will miss the old command’s presence at social events, then feel like a traitor if they enjoy the new people just as much.
But just remember that a loving parent always wants you to be happy, even if it is with someone else. Yet a loving parent is never invited to the new couple’s wedding party. Trust me when I say that eventually there will be room in your heart for both parents.
Wait, we are still talking about military commands...
Just go and have fun. And if you remember nothing else, remember that in the military, whether you loved or hated anyone in your husband’s command, you likely will see them again. So be nice. Hell hath no fury like an angry parent.
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Sarah Smiley is the wife of a Navy pilot and daughter of a retired Navy pilot. She is the author of “Going Overboard: The Misadventures of a Military Wife” (Penguin/NAL), and her syndicated column “Shore Duty” appears weekly in military and civilian newspapers across the country. Read more about Sarah at her website, www.SarahSmiley.com.
